The Power of "No": Why Boundaries Are Essential for Your Wellbeing
The word "boundary" can sometimes feel harsh, as if we are building walls to keep others out. But in reality, healthy boundaries are not walls; they are the gates that we choose to open. They are a conscious and compassionate way of managing our energy, protecting our peace, and creating healthy, respectful connections. Simply put, boundaries keep relationships safe.
Learning to set and maintain them is one of the most profound acts of self-care we can practice. It begins with the simple but often difficult act of learning to say "no" and understanding that our wellbeing depends on it.
The Science of Boundaries & Your Nervous System
From a scientific perspective, boundaries are crucial for our mental and physical health. Every time we allow our boundaries to be crossed—saying "yes" when we mean "no," taking on too much, or tolerating disrespectful behaviour—we send a signal of threat to our nervous system. This can trigger a chronic, low-grade "fight or flight" stress response.
When your nervous system is constantly in this state of high alert, it can lead to a cascade of health issues:
Anxiety and irritability
Chronic fatigue and burnout
Poor sleep
Digestive problems
Physical tension, especially in the neck and shoulders
As a holistic chiropractor, I often see the physical manifestation of poor boundaries held as tension in the body. A key part of my work is helping to calm this stressed nervous system. By gently restoring balance to your body, we can create a foundation of safety from which it becomes easier to recognise and assert your emotional and energetic needs.
The "Us" Problem vs. The "Them" Problem
It is crucial to be clear on our boundaries, because people cannot read our minds. We often expect others to instinctively know our limits, which is an unfair and unrealistic expectation.
This is where we must distinguish between an "us" problem and a "them" problem:
If we don't express our boundaries clearly, then it is an us problem. It is our responsibility to communicate our needs with clarity and kindness.
If our boundaries are consistently crossed after we have made them clear, it is a them problem. This signals a lack of respect from the other person and gives us important information about the health of that relationship.
Understanding this distinction is empowering. It moves us from a place of passive frustration to one of active ownership over our own wellbeing.
Defining and Expressing Your Boundaries
Honouring your boundaries begins with knowing what they are. This requires a moment of quiet reflection—a spiritual practice of tuning into your own inner truth. I invite you to sit and think about your boundaries. Grab a journal and consider the following:
What will I and will I not tolerate in how people speak to me?
How much of my time and energy can I realistically give to others?
What behaviours from others leave me feeling drained or resentful?
What do I need to feel safe and respected in my relationships?
Once you are clear on your limits, you can focus on how you can express them clearly. This doesn't have to be a confrontation. Often, it's a simple, calm statement:
"I appreciate the invitation, but I don't have the capacity for that right now."
"I'm not available to discuss this topic."
"I need some quiet time to myself this evening."
Setting boundaries is a practice. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but with each small act of self-respect, you build confidence and teach others how to treat you. You are not responsible for their reaction to your boundary; you are only responsible for communicating it with integrity.
If you struggle with setting boundaries or feel the physical and emotional effects of a stressed nervous system, please know that support is available. I'm here to help you find the balance and strength needed to honour your wellbeing.